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  After staring for a few precarious seconds, my thumb poised over Ruth's number, I shoved the phone back into my bedside drawer and headed out in search of tea. What I really wanted was something a little more numbing — I figured a house like this had to have a wine cellar — but drinking away my problems probably wasn't the best option right now. I needed to stay alert. The world seemed to have turned into a much more dangerous place, virtually overnight, and in this dimension of secret societies and covert kidnappings, waking up with a killer hangover might have a different meaning entirely.

  I had no idea how to process everything Sebastian had told me. Part of me wanted to laugh it off as an absurd joke, something dug out of a bad eighties espionage film, but taking into account everything that I'd seen, I believed it. I didn't know what it all meant yet, but I planned on remedying that situation. As unbelievable as it was, I was a part of this, now. I could either sit, awestruck on the sidelines, or I could try and work out exactly what the hell I'd gotten myself into.

  The house was silent as I made my way to the kitchen. It wasn't until I put the kettle on and began hunting for a cup that I realised I wasn't the only person awake.

  "Can't sleep?" said a voice behind me.

  I nearly jumped out of my skin. Turning, I saw a familiar figure, cast in shadow, nursing a mug of his own at the breakfast table.

  "Jesus, Joe. You scared the hell out of me."

  He chuckled. "My apologies," he said, although he didn't sound particularly sorry. "Feel like some company?"

  It seemed harmless enough. I wasn't exactly going to drift off anytime soon. I filled my cup and moved over to join him. "I take it you know what happened?" I asked.

  He nodded. "I was there when Sebastian got the news."

  "Then you know why I can't sleep."

  He nodded again. "I don't blame you. I don't think anyone would rest easy after a thing like that."

  I appreciated that he didn't offer any advice. Just understanding.

  We sat in silence for a few minutes. Despite the lack of conversation, I was enjoying the company. He might not have been Sebastian, but his presence seemed to hold back the darkness a little nonetheless.

  Eventually though, he spoke. "He told you." It wasn't a question.

  Fear seized my belly. I turned my gaze to him slowly. He didn't look angry, in fact a ghost of a smile touched his lips, but I knew what he meant nonetheless. It hadn't occurred to me that Joe might be an Alpha member. He just seemed like hired help. But clearly there was more to him than that.

  I debated denying it, but the certainty in his eyes said there was no point. He knew. The question was, what would he do with that knowledge?

  I let out a long sigh. "He did."

  Joe chewed his lip thoughtfully. "Well then."

  "You don't sound surprised."

  He shrugged. "Everyone likes to think they can keep their mouth shut when necessary, but the truth is, every man has his breaking point. The way he talks about you, the only thing that surprises me is that it took this long."

  The way he talks about you. My mind instantly went back to Sebastian's letter, to all those heartbreakingly sweet things he'd said. And then to that look he'd worn when he first pushed his way inside my prison, the rapture that had lit his face when his eyes found mine. I wasn't the only one struggling to switch off my feelings.

  You always hear stories about the purity of love, about the way it swells inside you until nothing else even matters. I never cared much for that perspective before — that kind of love typically isn't compatible with the sort of future I saw for myself — but now I found myself longing for it to be that simple. Every decision had turned into a conflict, a titanic battle between heart and brain, between logic and emotion. I couldn't deny my feelings for him, but whenever they rose inside me, they brought with them anger and betrayal. I knew it wasn't intentional, but he'd exposed me to this world, a world that was currently trying to chew me up and spit me out again. It was hard to forgive that, with the terror of my kidnapping still blanketing everything like a thick fog.

  And even if I could get past it, there were other elements to the equation. Was he still the same man I'd fallen for? In light of everything he'd told me this morning, I didn't know. It was almost easier to just write him and his friends off as corrupt, power hungry monsters; but, try as I might, I couldn't see him being a part of something like that. Not to mention guys like Thomas, or apparently Joe. If Sebastian said their intentions were noble, then I believed him.

  "This is a mess," I said, after a pause, not sure if I was referring to my relationship with Sebastian or the forbidden knowledge he'd shared.

  Joe let out a laugh. "That it is, girl. That it is."

  "So you're a member too then?" I asked, stalling for time. I wasn't sure where the conversation was going exactly, but he'd obviously brought it up for a reason. Something in my gut told me I could trust him, but Sebastian's warning loomed large in my mind nonetheless.

  "Indeed."

  "Well, I don't mean any disrespect, but isn't it a little demeaning having you drive another member around?"

  He shrugged. "It's not so bad. I give him hell, but Sebastian's a better sort than most. Besides, it's not like I always did this."

  "Oh?"

  He grinned. "Alpha's not exactly in the business of recruiting chauffeurs. Not much to be gained by that. No, before this I served thirty years in the British Army."

  I nodded. That explained the war wound he'd mentioned the first day we met. "In what capacity?"

  "Infantry first, but they quickly shuffled me to the officers' path instead." He leaned in conspiratorially. "Didn't seem to care for all the questions I asked." He let out a short laugh. "Nope, there's not a lot of space for curiosity on the battlefield. I think they figured that if I was going to be doing all that thinking, I might as well be the one answering the questions instead of asking."

  "I think that's fair enough," I replied.

  "That's actually where I met Sebastian."

  "Sebastian was in the army?" That revelation reminded me exactly how little I knew about the man who had stolen my heart.

  "Briefly." He gave a rueful shake of his head. "He was a terrible soldier, just like me. Too headstrong, too stubborn. I was his commanding officer, and it got to the point where I was forced to discharge him, but it seemed like such a waste. There was something special about him. I knew he was capable of doing great things, and the characteristics that made him unfit for duty made him perfect for Alpha. So I released him from service and nominated him for consideration to join the group. He was accepted, and now here we are."

  "I see," I replied, trying to picture Sebastian in mud spattered combat fatigues. It was difficult. The suit and tie seemed almost like his second skin.

  "What about you? Why'd you quit?" I continued.

  "Well, obviously I had more important things to do here," he deadpanned, nodding in the direction of the bedrooms.

  I laughed. "Obviously."

  "Honestly though, I just kind of got tired. You'd think gaining rank would be a good thing, but by the last decade of my career, I dreaded it. Every promotion meant a little more time spent behind a desk, a little more paperwork. There was nothing to look forward to, anymore."

  "And so your solution was to drive your protégée around, day in and day out?" I asked.

  He shrugged. "It may not seem particularly exciting, but the truth is, there's rarely a dull moment around here."

  Thinking back on everything that had happened in the last few days, I could see his point. If this sort of stuff was a regular occurrence, I wasn't sure my heart could keep up. Another point against Sebastian and I ever having a real relationship. Thinking about it gave me a newfound respect for military wives. The prospect of my partner constantly venturing into indescribable danger was daunting, to say the least. I didn't know how they coped.

  "Is it always like this?" I asked. "Kidnappings and secret lairs?"

  He smiled.
"Sometimes, but not as often as you'd think. These are pretty dire circumstances. Most of the time it's more like being a politician; lots of paperwork and meetings."

  "So Sebastian just has impeccable timing then."

  Joe stared at me for several seconds. "Don't be too hard on him, Sophia. He didn't mean for any of this to happen."

  I let out a long breath and shook my head slightly. "I know, but it doesn't change the fact that it did."

  "Not to downplay what you've been through at all, but to be honest, I think he's dealing with it as badly as you are. Like I said, I was there when he got the news. I've never seen anything like it before. He could barely speak. Everyone seemed to take it as anger, but I know him better than most. I knew it for what it really was. Fear.

  "He wanted to throw everything we had at that house the moment they took you there, but that's not how the group works. You can't just use Alpha resources for personal situations, no matter how serious they may be." His lips compressed. "They argued for hours. Virtually the whole room was against him. Eventually, he realised they weren't going to budge, but rather than back down, he just stormed out and came for you anyway. Took an entire squad of our troops. To be honest, I'm kind of glad nobody physically stepped in to stop him. I have little doubt he'd have gone by himself, if he had to.

  "For now, nobody is doing anything about it. We've got too much else to worry about. But if I know that group, he hasn't heard the last of it. Not by a long shot." His gaze bored into me. "I understand that this was hell for you, I really do, but Sebastian did everything in his power to make up for what happened. He put himself at risk to save you, so maybe cut him a little slack, hey?"

  My mouth felt impossibly dry. I knew Sebastian had been distraught at my kidnapping, but this cast it in an entirely new light. He hadn't simply been cleaning up an Alpha group mess. If anything, he'd been doing the opposite. He'd actively put my safety above the interests of his brothers. He'd broken the rules for me. I didn't know what it meant — was it a temporary lapse or a permanent statement? — but it made me warm all over. My mind was suddenly racing with possibilities.

  "I didn't know," I said eventually.

  "Well, now you do," he said with a nod.

  "Will he be in serious trouble?"

  "I don't know. Time will tell. But, in the past, such actions have been... frowned upon, let's just say."

  Something about the way he said gave me the impression it was more serious than he was letting on.

  I weighed his words. Were Sebastian's actions enough to overcome all of the lies and the secrets? I didn't know. I still had so many questions.

  "Liv's death," I said carefully.

  His expression turned grim. "Now that was a hell of a thing."

  "Sebastian said nobody really knows what happened. Is that true?"

  Despite his age, he was still sharp. He saw my implication instantly. "You're wondering if he should have expected this?" He shook his head. "No, nobody could have seen this coming. He blames himself for Liv, but the reality is it was just a case of wrong place, wrong time."

  "But if there was nothing to worry about, why did he leave someone outside my place?"

  "Paranoia I suspect. You have to understand, Sebastian took that hard, harder than anything I've seen, until you disappeared. He feels like if he hadn't ended things with her, if he'd found some way to make the relationship work, perhaps things would have been different."

  I blinked in surprise. "Ended things? He told me they were engaged."

  "Ah," he said with a wince. "I'm sorry. I assumed he'd told you the whole story. Technically he didn't lie; they were engaged. Several of us tried to warn him of the dangers of such big secrets in a marriage, but it's hard to argue with love. Of course, it became progressively easier as she began to get suspicious. She was a bit of a computer guru, you see. Was being headhunted by all kinds of A-list companies, but they wanted her to move overseas and Sebastian couldn't, so she turned them down. Anyway, one day, Sebastian left his laptop open at an Alpha login portal. To most people that wouldn't mean much, but to a girl like her, it was a beacon. Soon, she was digging up all manner of strange info. It wasn't enough to tell her anything concrete, but it told her he was hiding something."

  He took a long sip from his mug. "So, she confronted him. They argued and she gave him an ultimatum."

  "And he chose the group," I finished.

  He nodded slowly. "Although 'chose' might be a little generous. This isn't the sort of thing you can just walk away from. A few people have managed over the years, but it requires an immense amount of planning and a willingness to drop totally off the grid. Not exactly an appealing prospect for an up and coming IT whiz."

  "I guess not." It was a lot to take in. I couldn't help but notice all the parallels. As well as the one big difference. Sebastian had initially chosen the group this time too but, when push came to shove, he'd picked me.

  "Anyway," Joe said, dragging himself to his feet, "it's time to take these old bones to bed. It's been lovely chatting with you, Sophia."

  "Goodnight."

  He moved to leave, but paused in the doorway. "I hope that whatever comes of all this, you find some peace."

  "Me too," I replied.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Sophia

  I intended to head back to my room but, instead, I found myself walking right past the door and continuing up the hallway. Something told me that Sebastian would still be awake. I didn't know exactly why I wanted to see him, only that I did.

  My instincts proved accurate. I found him sitting at a desk in his room, hunched over a laptop screen. The door was open, but he didn't appear to notice me, so for a while I simply stood and watched. He looked tired. No, that wasn't the right word. Haggard was more appropriate. A man with the weight of the world on his shoulders.

  Even now, just the sight of him sent a tingle curling through me. A surge of lust, but there was something deeper too, something comforting and strong that blossomed in my stomach like a sunrise. It made the prospect of seeing him again exciting, no matter how often it happened. I was beginning to think that feeling would never go away.

  I tried to put myself in his shoes; impossible obligations pulling at me from all sides. Would I have reacted differently? Would I have continued our relationship, knowing the world I was exposing him to? I didn't know. It felt like a position where there were no right moves.

  "I know what you did for me," I said eventually.

  He flinched at the sound of my voice, his hand darting towards the desk drawer, although he stopped when he recognised me. "Christ, Sophia. Sneaking up on people at four o'clock in the morning in this particular house is a really, really bad idea."

  "Sorry."

  He studied me. I could tell that part of him simply wanted to send me away. Every conversation between us now was difficult, strangled by guilt and uncertainty. But eventually he spoke. "What do you mean, what I did for you?"

  "The way you stood up to your brothers when no one else wanted to help rescue me."

  He waved dismissively. "Ah, that. It's not a big deal."

  "That's not what Joe said. He said it was quite the argument."

  I walked inside and sat on the surface of the desk. Sebastian was close enough to reach out and touch now, and I had to resist the urge to do just that. I was doing a good job of keeping my fear at bay, but that didn't mean it had fled. It still simmered inside me, waiting for another opportunity to boil over, and the prospect of facing that alone was almost too daunting to consider. Just being near him soothed my shredded nerves.

  "You broke the rules for me," I continued. "In a pretty big way, from what I understand."

  His gaze was hard, radiating intensity. I could almost feel the conflict playing out inside him. "What else could I have done, Sophia? I couldn't let them take you."

  "I thought the group came first."

  He hesitated, then shook his head slowly. "So did I."

  We sat in silence for a few
moments. I think we both knew what was coming. We couldn't avoid discussing our relationship forever. I was still afraid to do so, lest that wound tear open inside me again, but knowing what he'd done gave me a glimmer of hope. Maybe, somehow, there was a way through this.

  "Sebastian, I—"

  "Don't," he said, rising to his feet and putting some distance between us. "We can't do this, Sophia." His voice was sharp, almost pained.

  "I have to know," I replied. "What does all of this mean for us?"

  He stormed towards me and I jolted backwards. "There is no us. There can't be. You've seen the sort of life I lead. How can you even ask that?"

  "I don't know," I said softly. "But I'm asking all the same."

  He closed his eyes and swept a hand through his hair. "I nearly got you killed. I don't understand how you're even still talking to me."

  A few days ago, I might have agreed with him. Logically I knew I still should. But logic had always taken a back seat where he was concerned. Yes he'd kept things from me, but I now appreciated the full weight of those secrets. Everything he'd done spoke of how much he cared for me, and I couldn't deny that my emotions burned just as strongly. I could hold the situation against him, or I could move on and try to build something to go back to, after it was over.

  "I don't blame you, Sebastian. I did in the beginning, but I don't now. You couldn't have known. Yeah, if I hadn't met you, none of this would have happened, but then I'd never have met you and, the truth is, that thought terrifies me far more than any of this."

  He stared at me with wide eyes, his expression hovering somewhere between anguish and awe. "How do you do that?" he asked. It was barely more than a whisper. "No matter what I do, no matter how sure I am, you say just the right thing to make me question myself."